Spartan Wars: Sidewinder
Far across the galaxy, a planet made entirely out of ice named Sidewinder, was occupied by three of the four armies involved in the civil war. A U-shaped canyon was where they "lived", and it wasn't all that different from Blood Gulch itself, besides the weather. On one side of the canyon was Blue Team, in all its glory. They had both a scorpion AND a warthog, both of which were operable. On the other side of the canyon was Green Team. Only two of its original eight members were still alive, the rest had all vanished mysteriously about a month before, leaving the two remaining soldiers wondering what had happened to their teammates. In the middle of the canyon was a store owned by an argumentive couple and their daughter. And even though they were supposedly neutral and impartial to any of the teams, they favored the Silvers, who occupied a small base next to them. Episode 1: Of Baked Beans and Farts The Store: Lieutenant Polowski strutted into the store, with his two fellow soldiers, Corporal Petersen and Private Sands, trailing behind him. Corporal Petersen always volunteered to go with the Lieutenant because he was secretly dating the store owner, Marlene. Even though Lieutenant Polowski knew about the two teens' private (Corporal Petersen didn't know Polowski knew...if that makes sense) affair, he let them go on with it cuz he believed that there'd have to be some little Silvers coming along soon anyways since the bulk of their forces had been lost in a recent battle with an invading Red Team. They had managed to hold off the opposing forces, but lost a few good men in the process. Petersen went into the backroom with Marlene and quietly shut the door. "Sooooo..." Marlene began. "Have you asked your Lieutenant whether or not you can go on leave anytime soon?" Petersen shifted his feet nervously. "Not yet, Marlene." She stomped a foot on the ground and said, "Why not, Jimmy? We don't have much time before my annual vacation comes around. And after that, we have to wait a whooooole year before we get another opportunity." Jimmy answered, "Cuz things aren't goin' too well right now, Marlene. When the Reds attacked us, we suffered major losses. Morale at camp is really low." Marlene just frowned at him and went back into the regular store area. Jimmy promptly followed her, but he couldn't see her anywhere. "Girls..." he said contemptously. Meanwhile, Polowski and Sands had been browsing through the store, looking to see if there was anything they might need. "Baked beans?" Sands asked hopefully, pointing to a can of brown stuff that certainly didn't look like beans. "Nah," Polowski replied. "All that would do would be to make Boomstocker fart. And all that accomplishes is a lockdown because of toxic chemicals being released into the atmosphere." Sands whined, "But I lurve baked beans. And just for the record," he added. "Boomstocker's farts smell like fresh strawberries during the morning sunrise." Polowski turned to look at him with a look of utter astonishment on his face, which Sands couldn't see because of Polowski's helmet. After a few moments, Polowski simply said, "I'm gonna pretend I never heard that." Sands was quick to agree. "Yeah, that'd be nice. Thank you, sir." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Blue Team "Jumping cylindrical rectangles!" exclaimed Private Potter. "The Hogwart's been fixed!" Shawn let out a groan. "For the last time, Potter-it's called the Warthog! And it's been fixed for ages!" Potter exclaimed excitedly, "Hopping rectangular cylinders! The Hogwart's been fixed for ages!" Shawn turned in his position on top of the mountain. "Will you just SHUT UP?!" he yelled. "What is it with you, shapes, and Harry Potter?!" Private Potter sniffed. "I just...wanna fit in." "Well, you're not doing a good job of it!" Shawn yelled at him. "I know you're new here and all, but around here, we have rules. And talking about Harry Potter is strictly prohibited! I don't have a clue where you transferred here from, and frankly, I don't wanna know. But wherever it was, they must've done some sick **** to your head cuz man, you're pretty ****ed up." Potter cried indignantly. "You just don't like me for who I am!" After a few moments of silence he added hopefully, "Or do you?" "NO!" came the response. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Episode 2: Prisoners and Interrogators and Freelancers, oh my! Blue Team: Far below where Shawn and Private Potter were quarreling, Captain Morris was interrogating a captured Green. "Look man, all I wanna know is where the rest of your team went. There's only two of you guys left back at the base, plus you, that doesn't account for the other five guys on your team." "I ain't tellin you nuffink!" snapped the prisoner. Morris tried to reason with the moody prisoner. "If you answer my simple question, you would be free to go wherever you want. I could even arrange transport from Blue Command to take you back to your homeworld if that's what you wish." "NO!" shouted the prisoner. "You gonna have to do better dan dat! Besides, me homeworld's been blasted to nuffink anyways. Why you think I wanna go back dere?" Morris sincerely apologised, "Oh I'm sorry, I didn't realise that-" "THAT'S RIGHT!" butted in the un-cooperative prisoner. "You no know nuffink! You stupid Blue!" Morris had had it with the prisoner. He had tried to reason with him, tried to sincerely apologise for making a mistake, but this prisoner had pushed it too far. Morris clicked off the safety on his assault rifle and pointed it at the defiant prisoner's head. "WAIT!" yelled an authorative voice from behind Morris, it had a tone that suggested there'd be consequences if he didn't comply. He turned around and saw a black armor-clad figure standing on top of the ramp leading to the outside part of the base. He said with hostility, "You're a freelancer. What are you doing in this hellhole of a planet?" The freelancer replied, "I've come here for him," pointing at the prisoner with his assault rifle. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Green Team Privates Billaby and Lowe gazed into space. Their warthog was damaged, and they were both certified mechanics, but it didn't matter to them. Nothing had mattered since the loss of their teammates. Billaby stood up, hefting his sniper rifle on his shoulder. "I'm gonna go to the store and see if I can get some food," he told Lowe, who replied by staring into space some more. Billaby walked off without further ado. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Silver Team Corporal Boomstocker hurriedly asked Lt. Polowski what they had gotten at the store as soon as they returned. "Oh, a lil bit of this, a lil bit of that." Polowski replied casually. "Wow, thanks for being so specific," Boomstocker said sarcastically. "You're welcome," Polowski replied, either not noticing or not caring about Boomstocker's sarcasm. "Did you get any baked beans?" Boomstocker asked eagerly. "No," Sands replied dejectedly, throwing himself on the floor next to Boomstocker, who suddenly stood up, leaving Sands on the ground, muttering about how noone cared about him. "Say, where's Jimmy?" Boomstocker asked. "To tell you the truth, I'm not sure," Polowski answered. "We lost him in the store, he's probly hanging out with his girlfriend." "What did you say?" asked Boomstocker, "I couldn't hear you over Sands' complaints." Polowski caught himself, "Oh nothing. It was nothing at all." He didn't wish to betray Jimmy and Marlene's secrecy. At that moment, Jimmy himself trudged slowly into their small camp. "Where were ya?" Boomstocker asked. "Oh, here and there." Jimmy replied vaguely. Boomstocker sat down next to Sands, complaining about how noone would ever specify anymore. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Note: I just wanted to let you know that these events are taking place simultaneously with that of the events in Blood Gulch. Episode 3: The Deal Green Team: Lowe distantly asked, "Did you get anything?" Billaby replied, "Nope. The Silvers had gotten most of the good stuff," he said. "And probably got most of it for free as well." Lowe looked at him, "Really? Why do you say that?" Billaby looked at Lowe with a frown on his face. "Ummm..because they've always favored the Silvers." "Since when?!" Lowe retorted. "Ummm...since forever," Billaby said, pointing out what he had thought was obvious. "But we haven't been here forever!" Lowe argued, pointing out what he had thought was obvious. Billaby put a hand on his forehead. "You really are stupid, my poor friend." This made Lowe very confused, since he didn't know what was so stupid about knowing the fact they hadn't been there forever. "Ya know what," he said after a few seconds. "I wish you could've been one of the guys that left." What happened after that can be left to your imagination...lets just say that afterwards, Lowe had quite a few bruises. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Blue Base: The freelancer took echoing steps down the ramp and approached the prisoner. After analyzing the prisoner for a few minutes he said, "This isn't the one I came for. I wanted someone else." Morris was very bewildered. "But...I thought you said-didn't you say that- you would like...kill him or something?" The freelancer glared at Morris. "Would you prefer if I killed you instead?" Morris cowered in fear. "Ummm...no, go ahead and leave. I don't mind." The freelancer turned, walking back up the ramp. He pressed a few hidden buttons on the palm of his gloves, and the sound of a Banshee coming closer could be heard. Before the freelancer hopped into the Banshee, Morris asked. "What's your name?" Without turning around, the freelancer replied, "Criddle." And without any further delay, Criddle hopped into the Banshee and flew away. The prisoner asked, "Ummm...why didn't you kill him and take his Banshee?" Morris turned on the prisoner. "Because I didn't quite feel like dying today." "Ah come on," the prisoner retorted. "You could've taken him on anyday." Morris was still angry at the prisoner, but he blushed underneath his helmet. "Well, I admit, I do have my tougher moments," he said timidly. "Soooo..." the prisoner said evasively. "Can I go now?" This question brought Captain Morris back to reality and he snapped, "NO! You can't! You still haven't answered my question." "Alright, alright." the prisoner said. "But I'll talk only on one condition. You gotta give me your word that you'll take me where I wish to go after this." "What do you mean by me taking you where you wanna go?" "Exactly what I said," the prisoner answered. "I want you to take me to a place called Blood Gulch." "Fine," Morris replied quickly, when he should've been thinking it over. But he was not quite as good a soldier as most thought he was, so he quickly gave his word to the prisoner. "Well," said the prisoner. "It all started when..." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Blue Team Shawn and Potter saw the Banshee arrive and take off shortly afterwards. "I wonder what that was all about,\" Potter thought aloud. "What do you think that Banshee was here for? Aren't those things for Covenant use only?" "Yeah, it was probly some hotshot from Blue Command giving orders to Captain Morris, he thought he'd make a grand entrance, had a Banshee in the garage and pulled a few strings in order to get the thing. It happens all the time," Shawn said nonchalantly, looking down the scope of his sniper rifle. "Oh my friggin God," he uttered. A couple miles off, a Pelican could be seen, dropping off almost a dozen Red soldiers. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Here are the characters that I plan on having in this storyline of Spartan Wars. Please keep in mind that this list may expand or shrink, depending on how the story goes. All asterisked characters have not yet appeared in the story. Red Sargeant Murphy* Corporal Verne* Private Polk* Private Martin* Private Young* Private Walsh* unnamed Reds* Blue Captain Morris Shawn Private Potter Private Vash Corporal Wilkes Silver Lieutenant Polowski Corporal Petersen Corporal Boomstocker Private Sands Private Kelly Green Private Billaby Private Lowe Private Moss Neutral Criddle Marlene (medic, runs the store, favors Silvers)

Episode 4: Suckups Anonymous Blue Base: Private Wilkes ran into the cell area just as Captain Morris was about to hear what the prisoner had to say. "Sir! The Reds are here! And some of em are heading this way!" Morris ran up the ramp with no delay and said to Wilkes, "Don't worry about the prisoner, there's no way he can get outta here. And even if he could, I have a feeling that he's got other things in mind." Wilkes didn't know what the Captain was talking about, but he hurriedly agreed upon that fact. "Of course, sir. I understand." They walked outside and Morris swore furiously at the sight of the Warthog skidding across the ice with the other three of his men in it. "What are they thinking?! They'll never make it across the ice! And they won't be able to defend themselves once the Reds attack them. So what can we do?" "Save them, sir?" Wilkes suggested. "A perfect plan!" Morris said. "You're pretty smart, Wilkes!" "Thank you, sir!" Wilkes said. "I agree." "But how can we save them?" the Captain asked. "We'll never be able to get there on foot in time." Wilkes looked down and an idea began to form in his mind. "Well, there's always the Scorpion," he said. "But I'm not certified to drive one so you'll have to drive it. Cuz there's room for one driver, and four passengers." Morris counted slowly on his fingers. "And there's four of us on the team! So there's more than enough room for us all on it! Man, that's a great plan you came up with, Wilkes." "Thank you sir, but there's actually five of us." Captain Morris looked at him blankly. Wilkes counted off, "There's you, me, Private Potter, Shawn, and Corporal Vash." Captain Morris stroaked his chin, well, the helmet part of it anyways. "Who's this Vash who you speak of?" he asked. "Ummm...he's the one that's been here even longer than you have, sir." responded Wilkes. "Really?" Morris asked. "I was unaware of his existence til now. You are clearly a genius. Therefore, I'm putting in a commission to have you transferred once this trouble is all cleared up." Wilkes stopped in his tracks, "Ermmm...sir? Did I just hear you say you were gonna get me transferred right after calling me a genius?" "Yes you did!" Morris said brightly. "You don't deserve to be stuck in a craphole like this, even I can tell that much. I'll try and get you sent to one of the Inner Worlds, maybe even Earth. There isn't even any Red or Blue or Silver or Green there, it's just the UNSC and that's it. At least, that's what it was like a couple years ago when I went on leave there. And I may not be able to pull enough strings to get you there, but I'm pretty sure that I could get you somewhere nice and peaceful. The way Harvest was before the damn Covenant glassed the place. Good thing they're gone, eh? Master Chief kicked their butts all the way to China!" "China, sir?" asked a bewildered Wilkes. "Oh it's just a saying they have back on Earth. I forgot that I'm the only one out of all of us to actually been there." Wilkes said nothing. Earth sounded like a beautiful place, but he doubted that Morris had enough power to get him transferred there. Oh well, anywhere was better than Sidewinder. "Well, sir." he said. "I believe we better get to the Scorpion now, we've delayed long enough with our chatter." "Righto! That's a fantabulous idea!" Captain Morris agreed. "Way to refocus! The sign of a true Blue! Hey, that rhymed, didn't it?" "Yes it did. And ummm...sir? You realise fantabulous isn't a real word?" "From anyone else, I would think that was nonsense, but since it's coming from you Wilkes, I think you're correct." "Thank you, sir, can we go to the Scorpion now?" "Oh, of course." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Blue Team: Shawn spun the wheel wildly, hoping it would help the Warthog's progression on the ice...which it didn't. And Potter, in his spot in the passenger seat, wasn't helping much either by stupidly urging the Warthog on. "Come on, Hogwarts! You can do it! All you have to do is concentrate! I have faith in you!" "SHUT UP!" yelled Shawn. "Why did I bother taking you with us anyways? I thought I'd help ya out by letting you see what real experience in the field is like but you just can't let a bod do their work, can you?!" "Take it easy on him," said Corporal Vash from the gunner's seat. "He's just a rookie. So calm down and relax." "WHAT IF I DON'T WANNA CALM DOWN AND RELAX?!" Shawn yelled. "Well then, don't calm down and relax." Vash stated simply. "DAMN ST-" Shawn started to say. "Wait, you agree with me?" "Of course I do, why wouldn't I?" Shawn's response was cut short as.... ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Silver Team: Corporal Boomstocker ran out and joined the others in the fight against the Reds. He lifted his rocket launcher onto his shoulder and fired off a rocket as bullets whizzed by him and his teammates. He could hear the roar of an approaching Pelican. The heat sensors on the rocket freaked out at the new heat signal and went in the completely opposite direction, heading towards a Warthog occupied by a few Blues. The hatch of the Pelican opened up and a girl wielding a sniper rifle hopped out. "Get down!" Boomstocker yelled, pulling the guy behind a rock. "You're gonna get your head shot if you do something like that again!" Private Kelly was bewildered, this hadn't been what she had been expecting to experience when she arrived at Sidewinder. "What's your name?" the big guy asked her. "It's Kelly," she answered. "And if you could kindly aim your bazooka away from me, that'd be decent of you," she said. "First of all, rookie, it's a rocket launcher, not a bazooka. Second of all, I order you to get back on that Pelican and tell the pilot to never pull a stunt like that again. He nearly got a bunch of people killed when my rocket went haywire." Kelly shook her head disapprovingly. "You aren't treating me as per protocol. It says in the manual that all rookie squad members are to be treated with proper resp-" Boomstocker butted in. "Well you and I obviously didn't read the same manual. Mine said that all rookies wielding sniper rifles and having the last name of Kelly must immediately leave my area and go somewhere else." Polowski ran over and pushed Boomstocker outta the way. "So you're Private Kelly, eh?" he asked. Without waiting for an answer he continued, "Just go over to our shelter over there," he said, pointing at their small base. "And stay low until we return. Gimme your sniper rifle, though." Kelly handed it over without question and left the scene of the battle. Polowski turned on Boomstocker, "You and I are gonna have a talk later." he said. He put the sniper rifle on his shoulder and fired. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Red Team: Sargeant Murphy sniggered as the rocket went over his head and hit near the Warthog. "Stupid Silvers have such bad aim." He immediately wished he hadn't said that as the guy standing next to him died with a bullet in his chest. Murphy looked up at the ridge. "Polowski," he said loathingly. "What was that, sir?" Private Young asked. "Nothing," Murphy responded. "Let's get outta here before that sniper takes out any more of us." "Good plan, sir." Martin said from his other side. "But where are we gonna go?" Murphy thought for a moment and said, "Green Base." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Blue Team: Shawn screamed as the rocket hit next to the Warthog, sending it barreling end over end at the cliff face. Vash barely had time to jump out before the impact destroyed the LAAG gun on the back of the Warthog. Potter got out, with a few bruises, but nothing serious. Shawn however, was stuck on the other side of the Warthog (which had flipped over on its side) or worse. And neither Vash nor Private Potter had the strength to change its position. But a Scorpion did...and that's what came rolling up to them at that moment. Wilkes climbed up the side of the tank and told Morris, "Sir! We can't risk using the Scorpion to move the Warthog. Shawn may get hurt in the process." Morris replied, "Your observations are invaluable, Wilkes. I hadn't even noticed which one of our guys wasn't there. I had originally thought it was that Vash fella you mentioned earlier." Morris hopped out and praised Wilkes, "You truly are a hero for the Blues, Wilkes. I'll make sure to get you that transfer as soon as possible." "Thank you, sir." replied Wilkes. "Now, we better save Shawn before he loses too much blood. If he's still alive that is..." he said darkly. Off to the side, Potter whispered to Vash, "I dunno why people wanna rescue Shawn. That dudes the meanest person I've ever met on the Blues. I've never heard him say a single nice thing to anyone." "Really?" Vash replied, bewildered. "He told me 'Put a cork in it, big guy' once. It was the first time he ever talked to me." "Ummm...how is that nice?" Potter asked. "He said I was big." Vash said. "Wasn't that an obvious compliment?" "Ummm...not really," Potter said hesitantly. "I don't think he meant big in a good way." "Whatever," Vash said dismissively. "Noone cares what you think, anyways, so I figure I'll go with doing the same thing." "Well," Potter said indignantly. "I think that's-" "Noone cares what you think, remember?" butted in Vash. Potter decided that maybe that Wilkes guy could give him a couple tips on how to fit in, seeing as how he was in pretty high social status apparently. "Hey, do you think that Wilkes guy would like me?" Potter asked Vash. "Nope," came the reply. Suddenly, the Warthog flipped over. Along with it came tons of praise from the Captain. "Wilkes, you are so fantabulous! Oh in my excitement I had forgotten that fantabulous wasn't a word! Well, it was absolutely awesome-tastic! You are the perfect soldier! I'm naming you Corporal Wilkes now you super soldier!" "Ummm..." said Vash. "I'm not sure if anyone actually cares but...Shawn is like...wortally mounded. Or something like that." "That'd be mortally wounded," corrected Wilkes. "Oh whatever," Vash said. "Same difference, really." "You are so great Wilkes!" Captain Morris said. Along with this came a whole new barrage of praises that included, but weren't limited to, "You iz amazing, bro!" and "Dude, you are the grea-*test*-('") soldier of all time!" and "You are like an angel soldier!" Under his breath, Vash said. "Gosh, that Wilkes guy belongs in Suckups Anonymous." --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Episode 5:The Truth Blue Base: As Marlene approached Blue Base, one of the Blues came out to meet her, a large sort of fellow...in other words, fat. He looked at her and said brightly, "I'm Private Potter. And you must be the medic that Captain Morris asked for, right?" "Yes," Marlene said. "Could you show me the patient?" "Right, Shawn." Potter said, and with some reluctance, led Marlene inside. Inside the tunnel, a man lay on the ground, unconscious. Marlene bent over the body and went to work. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Silver Team: Polowski and Petersen stood outside, guarding the camp and talking in low voices. "So," Polowski said. "You and Marlene are planning on going to Silver Command to do some research. And also to see if she can sign up into the Silver Army so that she can officially help us out?" "That's right, sir." Petersen stated. "What do you think of the idea?" Polowski answered, "It sucks. We need you here to help make the rookie feel welcome." Petersen whined, "But she's a total noob, can't do hardly anything right." Polowski answered, "You may find that in times of need, anything is better than nothing. And Private Kelly has not yet had a chance to prove herself in combat, she may prove to be quite skilled with the sniper rifle." Petersen just muttered that rookies shouldn't even have the right of having a sniper rifle. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Blue Base: Morris and Wilkes walked into the cell area and found that the prisoner was still there, as they had hoped. Before they even had a chance to say anything, he started talking. "My name is Private Moss. About four weeks ago our leader, Corporal Verne, received a message straight from the top of Green Command. They said that there had been a treatee made between the Greens and Reds and that we were supposed to go to Green Command to meet with some hotshots from the Red Army. But I sensed something was wrong. Verne and the others were quick to agree that the treatee was good for us. They said that Lowe and Billaby were too weak to be able to follow them in what they were going to do. I tracked the message and found that it had been sent from Red Command, not our own. But I thought that might be cuz they had signed the treatee at Red Command, and decided that the news was too important to wait. How stupid I was." Private Moss sighed and was silent for a time, then continued. "We went to Green Command and there was noone there...well, not alive anyways. The corpses of our long-time commanders lay on the ground, rotting. I stopped to observe one of the bodies and when I looked up, there was a single Red soldier and he was telling the rest of my squad to get into the Pelican cuz there had been some rogue Greens who didn't like the idea of a treatee and killed all the commanders. I wasn't noticed, and I didn't think it was wise to make my presence known. So I took the long journey back here, hoping to get back to Lowe and Billaby and tell them that the Green Army had pretty much fallen. But since you guys captured me, I figured I'd bargain my way outta this by requesting transport by Pelican to Blood Gulch. That's where my older sister is, she had just recently been transferred there. So I'm hoping that the Reds didn't have the time to search through her records and send her the same message they sent my team. That's why I need the transport so badly, I need to know if she's still alive."

Episode 6: Red Versus Blues Silver Base Kelly came outside, wanting to get away from Private Sands and Corporal Boomstocker. "I don't think they like me, sir." she said to Leutenant Polowski. "Just give it some time," Polowski said. "They'll come to like you." "No they won't," chuckled Corporal Petersen, earning himself a glare from Polowski. "You shall join Corporal Boomstocker tomorrow in guard duty all day long. Hopefully, you'll enjoy his farts as much as Private Sands does." Corporal Petersen whined, "That's unfair!" "No it isn't, push me any further and you'll be prohibited from your research trip with Marlene." That caught Petersen's attention. He quickly became quiet and went inside. As he got there he asked, "You like Boomstocker's farts?" to Sands, who just stuttered in denial. Boomstocker looked at the two. "Oh I'm flattered." he said. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Blue Base Marlene was gone and Shawn was in better condition...almost. He lay on the ground, groaning in pain. Private Potter stood over the body. "I've got good news and bad news," he said to his teammate. "First, the bad news. Marlene said before she left that you'll survive the wounds. The good news is that you'll be temporarily incapacitated by your wounds." "What the **** does incapacitated mean?" Morris asked as he walked into the tunnel. Trailing behind the captain, Wilkes answered before Potter could. "It means that he won't be able to do much for awhile." "Well said Corporal!" "Thank you, Cappy." Private Potter quickly changed the subject, just in case Morris had heard him say the bad news. "Sooo...what news of the prisoner?" "I've contacted Blue Command and they told me that they're going to send a transport vehicle here to take him to Blood Gulch." "Well that's nice," Potter said, then realised what he'd just been told. "WHAT?! YOU MEAN HE'S LEAVING!" Morris answered with an air of authority. "Of course, what else is there to do?" Potter said uncertainly, "Well you could have like...killed him or something." Wilkes peeped out from behind Morris. "No way! Cappy gave his word that he'd provide transport for the prisoner as soon as he told us what happened to all the Greens. And Cappy would never break his word." Corporal Vash walked in and joined the fray of activity around Shawn's moaning body. "Who the **** is Cappy?" "I am!" declared Captain Morris. Vash looked from Wilkes to the Captain, then back again. "You let him call you Cappy?!" Captain Morris declared. "Of course I do!" simultaneously, Wilkes said "Of course he does! Doesn't that make any sense to you?!" Vash answered, "Well, I suppose it does!" Wilkes yelled, "Of course it-! Wait, you agree with me?" Vash asked, "Is there reason not to?" Wilkes stuttered, "Well, it's just that-" Captain Morris stepped between them. "Who are you again?" he asked Vash, who just sighed and walked away. Potter backstepped away from Morris and Wilkes, then turned and followed Vash outside...i.e. away from the freaks.

Episode 7: B's, Be's, and Bee's Blue Base Morris: "It's sorta a tradition here at Sidewinder to have a geography bee whenever someone's gonna be leaving us soon." Vash: "To be, or not to be! That is the question!" Wilkes: "Not that kinda be, a geography bee! With two e's in it." Vash: "That question transpired from European playwrights and poets." Morris: "Whoa, you lost me way back at Sidewinder." Wilkes: "Ummm...you were the one who said Sidewinder, Cappy." Morris: "No, you just said Sidewinder yourself! Why am I even talking to this guy? I don't even know who he is!" Wilkes: "He's European, Cappy!" Morris: "European, eh? Sounds hot." Vash: "Ummm...ew." Shawn lay there on the ground, with Potter standing over him, pounding on him with his pistol. Shawn: "Could you just get to the friggin bee, already!" Potter: "Nothing to say about me hitting you?" Shawn: "Nah, I've kinda built up an immunity to people pounding me with their weapons...ah, how I miss the good ol' days." Morris: "As much as I hate to say it, Shawn's right. Let's get to the bee. Unfortunately, you won't be able to participate, Shawn, Marlene said so." Vash: "Quick question, who's leaving that we're having this bee for? Cuz if it's Wilkes, I better head to the store to celebrate." Morris: "I'm not gonna dignify that with the response that it's the Green prisoner we're releasing." Vash: "He's not even on the team!" Morris: *sigh* "It's called moral principality, European Dude. Something no European could ever hope to understand." Potter: "I don't know what planet European is even on!" Shawn: "Nobody cares! Now get back to hitting me with your pistol...ah, that's the spot." Vash: "Are we ever gonna actually start the bee?" Morris: "Typical impatient European..." Vash: "Do you even know any Europeans?" Morris: "Umm...not really. But they're hot, and impatient, and have no moral principality." Vash: "I'd be willing to be bet you don't even know what any of those terms mean." Wilkes: "I'll back that up!" Morris: "Huh?" Wilkes: "I mean uhhh...shut your mouth, Vash! Cappy's a very wise man!" Morris: "Yeah, Wilkes is right, European Chick!" Vash: "Dude, you've gotta get some things straight here. Firstly, I'm a guy, that's the male gender, in case you weren't sure. Secondly, just cuz I know some stuff about European poets and playwrights, that doesn't mean I myself am European. Thirdly, well, I don't really have a thirdly. Fourthly, you gotta remember my name...it's Vash. V-A-S-H. Vash. Think you can remember that?" Morris turns towards Wilkes. Morris: "Who's this guy again?" Wilkes: "I haven't the sligh-*test*-('") clue, Cappy." Vash: *sigh* Morris: "Alright, well even I can see this is getting absolutely nowhere. Private Potter!" Potter: "Sir?" Morris: "Go tell Marlene that the Silvers have to do a geography bee in honor of one of our soldiers." Vash: "Dude, he's not even on our team!" Morris: "You're not even on our team! I don't even know who you are! Get away from here, you scary European guy!" Potter ran the full 50 yards or so it was to get to the Store...a tiring accomplishment. He panted through his full set of things he was supposed to say to Marlene. Potter: "Ummm...you're s'posed to-do a bee with the Silvers." Marlene: "Eh? What kind?" Potter: "Any kind. Like, one guy was like to be or not to be. Some other dude was like geography bee! Geography bee! And I was thinking that we were being attacked by bees! And I was like Aaaaah! Well, not really saying it, but I was thinking it. Ya know how those things work. Oh and there was this one point where I remembered this guy named Bob, his name started with a B..." Marlene: "Okaaaaaay, I'll get right on that. You can leave now." Potter: "Oh and one more thing, it's in honor of a soldier that's leaving the Blue Base." Marlene: "Oh really? Oh okay, in that case, I actually will get right on that. Cuz before I was being a tad bit sarcastic. Um, see ya later, Potter." Potter: "Bye! I'll miss you so much!" He was panting before he even started going back..

Episode 8: Roommates Silver Base Marlene: "You got another girl on the team while I was gone?!" Polowski: "Yeah, we needed a sniper, so we got one." Petersen: "Marlene, we can still-" Marlene: "We're leaving right now!" Petersen: "We are?" Everyone else: "You are?" Marlene: "That's right! Let's go, Jimmy." Petersen: "W-Why?" Marlene: "Cuz I can't have that little b*tch makin' a move on you while I'm off healing someone or rather." Kelly: "I didn't mean to upset anybody." Marlene: "Well, ya did, so shove a sock in it!" Kelly: "Errr...okay." Sands: "You got yourself a feisty one, Jimmy." Polowski: "Hehemm...I ain't lettin' you leave, Petersen." Petersen: "And I don't blame you, I wanna stay here. Marlene, the trip can wait." Marlene: "I WANNA GO NOW!" Polowski: "Fine, I'll arrange for you two to be able to leave soon." Marlene: "Good, now, for the reason I came here in the first place. We gotta have a spelling bee." Everyone else: "WHAT?!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Red Team: The five Reds still alive were gathered around their two prisoners, Private Billaby and Private Lowe. Verne: "These two are pitiful." Walsh: "Yup...such a shame to see what has happened to our former teammates." Lowe: "What?" Murphy: "You heard him, these guys are your former teammates. Happy reunion." Billaby: "What happened to you guys?" Martin: "How bout you ask Moss that, eh? After all, he's the one who left us in favor of his own cowardly skin. Where is he hiding?" Billaby: "We dunno where he is!" Polk: "Where is he?!" Lowe: "Look man, we thought you guys were all dead til a couple seconds ago. We haven't a clue where Moss is." Murphy pulled out his shotgun. Murphy: "Maybe this will persuade you."

Episode 9: The Sixth Sin Blue Team Morris: "Well, Private Moss is no longer with us. The Pelican came to get him and take him to some dunghole canyon in the far reaches of space...Now, was that cool when I said in the far reaches of space?" Wilkes: "Definitely, sir." Potter: "I liked the part where he said dunghole canyon." Shawn: "Not me, and who the heck is Private Moss?" Vash: "Private Moss was some Green guy, prisoner dude...left in a Pelican." Wilkes: "Whoa, not even I knew that." Vash: "Yeah, kinda sad...I know the names of people I never met, yet I've been here two years without my captain knowing I even exist. Sob, sob." Morris: "In other news, when did you start feeling better, Shawn?" Shawn: "Last episode, but our team wasn't featured in it, so you wouldn't know about that." Potter: "Last episode?" Shawn: "Yeah ummm...kinda hard to explain. We exist in what can only be described as...a video game." Wilkes: "Video game? What the heck is that?" Shawn: *sigh* "I knew you wouldn't understand..." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Silver Team: Marlene: "Okay, I'm in charge of this thing, Mr. Polowski won't be participating cuz he's gotta keep an eye out on the Reds, any questions?" Petersen: "Do we have to leave after this?" Marlene: "F*ck yeah! Anything else? Right then, Kelly's first. Your word is trying." Kelly: "T-R-Y-I-N-G." Marlene: "Sorry, that's incorrect. The spelling is C-H-R-Y-I-N-G." Kelly: "No it isn't!" Marlene: "Didn't your teacher ever tell you spell it how it sounds? You're obviously in a state of denial and suck ass at spelling." Kelly: "WHAT?!" Marlene: "You heard me, you've been eliminated." Kelly: "But that's unfair!" Marlene: "Fine, I'll let you stay in the bee...partially cuz it was unfair, but mostly cuz I want you around for further humiliation to yourself. Next, is Jimmy. Your word is elephant." Petersen: "Oh snap, crackle, pop, rice krispies! Copyright! I suck at spelling! Ummm...E-L-U-F-U-N-T." Marlene: "Close enough. Private Sands, your word is...sand." Sands: "Dangit, I knew there was a reason to put my name on my homework. Errr...S-A-N-D-S." Marlene: "Sorry, but you spelled your name. I only asked for the regular word. Boomstocker, your word is rocket." Boomstocker: "What the f*ck?! Everyone else gets one word, but I get two! Da*n, talk about fairness...Fine, I'll spell those words. R-O-C-K. I-T. Rock it, girl!" Petersen: "What'd you just say?!" Boomstocker: "Sorry, couldn't resist the temptation..." Marlene: "You're incorrect. Therefore, our only con-*test*-('")ants left are Jimmy and Kelly. It all comes down to one word. Whoever spells it correctly first, wins. Out of the kindness of my heart, Kelly can go first. The word is...Submarine." Kelly: "Oh I know this one. S-U-B-M-A-R-I-N-E." Marlene: "Wrong, go ahead Jimmy." Petersen: "S-U-B-M-A-R-I-N-E." Marlene: "CORRECT!" Kelly: "That's the same thing I said!" Marlene: "Too bad, not sad. Go tell someone who gives a sh*t about your problems. On second thought, go tell someone who would take a sh*t while you talk about your problems. And record the whole thing so I can watch it someday six years from now, when I'm raising six hundred adopted kids in Canada." A bunch of conversation happens all at once. Sands: "Canada?" Kelly: "Record it?" Petersen: "Six hundred adopted kids?" Boomstocker: "Sh*t? Oh, me likes ze sh*t!" Sands: "Me too!" Petersen: "I'm still kinda scared at the prospect of six hundred kids...I mean, I was thinking more along the lines of sixty." Boomstocker: "You like sh*t too? We could be sh*t buddies!" Sands: "That'd be pretty sh*tty, I like the thought..." Polowski walks in. Polowski: "I just thought I'd let you morons know that Marlene's gone out there to fight the Reds by herself. There was nothing I could do to persuade her not to do it. I'd have gone and helped her, but frankly, I have better things to do than help win a war. Like listen to Frank Sinatra sing a duet with Puff Daddy."