Spartan Wars: Blood Gulch

Episode 1: Of Baked Beans and Farts Red Team Tyler and Gina sat together at Blood Gulch Outpost 02, in other words, Red Base. ''Why is everything so red around here?'' Tyler asked Gina. She looked at the red flags at their base, the red lights on the inside, the red armor they were wearing, the red blood stains on the walls. ''Because this is Red Base you dumb shit.'' ''Oh, I guess that makes sense.'' Tyler responded. They sat for a while longer and he just had to open his mouth again. ''But I mean, everything is red around here. Even our hair is red, even though we don't take off our helmets so it don't really matter. I mean, even our leader's name is Red. What the **** is up that?'' ''I don't ****ing know Tyler. Shut up.'' ''FINE. I WILL. Don't pay attention to me, I ain't gonna say another word. Nope, I won't say anything cuz Geena told me to sh-'' ''Shut up Tyler!'' Gina yelled. ''And it's pronounced Gynuh not Jeenuh.'' ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Silver Team Big Ern picked up Manny by the neck. ''Get off of your feet, son.'' he said in his southern accent. ''We've got a base to take control of.'' ''Red or Blue?'' Manny asked. ''Blue!'' Manny sighed. ''Aww come on Ern, we've tried to take over the Blue Base eighteen times in the past three hours. What makes you think this time will be any more succesful than the first?'' ''I don't have to give you a reason.'' ''That's right. Cuz you don't even have a reason.'' ''Yes I do!'' Big Ern snapped. ''Just give me a couple seconds to make it up.'' Two hours later... ''AHA! I've got one.'' Big Ern said triumphantly. He looked around, and found that noone was there. ''Dammit. They've started the attack without me.'' he complained to himself. ''No actually we didn't Ern.'' came Manny's voice from the other side of the caves. ''Nick fell asleep but I've been waiting for your reason this whole time.'' Big Ern looked at the sleeping body of Nick. ''Get up dirtbag!'' he yelled, bashing Nick's head with his pistol. ''OW!'' Nick screamed. ''What the hell was that for?'' Big Ern sighed. ''Nothing. I just felt like hitting you.'' ''Why?''' Nick asked. ''BECAUSE I DON'T LIKE YOU.'' ''Oh...well that's gay.'' Manny said. ''Hey dirtbag.'' Big Ern said, turning towards Manny. ''Don't insult my sexual orientation.'' He took his pistol and whacked Manny a few times. ''Ow that hurt.'' Nick just sat in awe. ''Umm.......Ern....what was that about your sexual orientation?'' ''Ummm.....nothing....nothing at all.'' -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Episode 2:Stupidity Has Its Effects Green Team Jessica's slim body took point position as she lead her team towards Blue Base. David stayed loosely on her right side about two feet behind her. Dan brought up the rear with a rocket launcher in his hands. A shotgun was slung around his torso with a rope he had gotten a long time ago from his father. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Silver Team Nick murmured death threats to Big Ern under his breath while he lead the way from the caves to the backside (does that sound right?) of Blue Team's base. Big Ern was right behind him which he didn't know. ''Stupid jerk is gonna pay for what he did.'' Nick murmured. He felt a familiar object hit him over the back of the head. ''What did you say?'' Big Ern asked menacingly. ''I said that superjumping's gonna pay off for me.'' Nick lied. ''Why did you hit me?'' ''I told you earlier, I don't like you.'' Big Ern unnecessarily yelled. ''And I thought I heard someone say that the stupid jerk was gonna pay.'' Nick grinned but noone could see it. ''Oh that's funny cuz I thought I did too.'' Both Nick and Big Ern looked at Manny who hadn't been listening to a word either of them had been saying. ''What?'' he asked when he saw them staring at him. *insert screams from Manny as Big Ern whacks him with his magnum* ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Green Team ''Where are those screams coming from?'' David asked his comrades. ''I dunno,'' Jessica stated. ''But I can guarantee you it ain't friendly fire.'' ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Silver Team ''Son of a nutcracker! Ow that hurts!'' Manny yelled as Big Ern whacked him over the head. ''Stop it with the friendly fire.'' ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Green Team ''No that seems like friendly fire to me,'' Dan put in. ''Yeah I'm pretty sure of it now.'' Jessica turned and glared at him. ''What makes you think that?'' ''Well you can always tell cuz in friendly fire their screams are always like AAAAAAHH whereas screamin cuz of an enemy is more like AAAAAAAH!'' ''Shut up you idiot or the Blues will here us.'' Jessica hissed as David pondered what Dan had said. ''Wow I never thought of it that way.'' he thought aloud. It was now David's turn to be glared at. He could feel the icy stare of Jessica's eyes burning through his visor. ''How could you say that?'' she asked him. ''There wasn't even a single ****ing difference.'' ''Yeah there was.'' both Dan and David replied at the same time. Jessica turned back towards Blue Base. ''I can't believe they put me on this team.'' she complained to herself. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Blue Team Sam turned to Fred. ''Is it just me or is there lots of yelling and screaming going on?'' ''Just you.'' Fred replied. ''Really?'' asked Sam. ''No. I can hear it too you dumb ****. I bet that even the Reds can hear it.'' Fred remarked. ''But what if the Reds are the ones doing the yelling and screaming?'' Sam asked after a moment. ''Then they're really loud.'' Fred stated. ''But why would they be so loud?'' Sam asked Fred, who could feel the anger boiling up inside him. ''I dunno cuz they don't know how to be quiet I guess.'' ''But why wouldn't they know how to be quiet?'' Sam asked him. ''Why don't you shut up and stop asking questions?!'' Fred yelled. ''Is it really necessary for you to raise your voice?'' ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Episode 3: The Deal Red Team The sound of boots walking up the ramp came to Tyler and Gina's ears. A huge man wielding a shotgun said to Tyler and Gina, "Which one of ya was cussing their heads off?" Tyler and Gina turned to each other, each of them saying the other's name. Red looked from Tyler to Gina, then back to Tyler, then back to Gina again, once more back to Tyler. After doing this for about 8 minutes, he finally made his decision. "Tyler, come into the lobby with me. Gina, you stay up here and keep watch." Gina pro-*test*-('")ed, "But what am I gonna be keeping watch for when our base is so undesirable?" Red turned angrily and yelled at her, "OUR BASE IS FINE! IT IS RED...AND IT IS BEAUTIFUL AND ELEGANT LIKE A UNICORN GALLOPING THROUGH THE FOREST!" Gina almost came close to literally laughing her *** off from Red's statement. Tyler followed Red downstairs, who was stomping in anger. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Green Team Jessica made a beeline for Blue Base, hoping the two arguing sentries wouldn't notice her. Dan and David followed her as quick as they could...which was pretty slow. She reached the base's outer wall without being noticed, however, Dan suddenly got the smart idea of shooting his rocket launcher at the two sentries. His shot went wide and blasted the cliff face about 30 yards away from the two sentries. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Blue Team Sam looked at Fred with a blank look on his face. "What was that?" he asked. Fred glared at him. "I swear on my life, Sam-if you ask one more friggin question I will friggin kill you!" Sam opened his mouth, but decidedly shut it for obvious reasons. Brett screamed at the two sentries from below, "Get your butts down here! We're under attack!" Fred replied sarcastically, "Oh really? I hadn't noticed." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Green Team Dan and David pressed their bodies against the wall, remaining silent as Jessica whispered orders to them. "Okay guys, me and David are gonna ascend the ramp and try to capture the two sentries for questioning. Dan, I want you to throw every grenade you've got inside the lobby and flush out any soldiers that might be inside. Any questions?" Dan and David were silent, after a moment David asked, "What does ascend mean?" Jessica answered, "It means to go-you know what? Nevermind. Just follow where I go, m'kay?" David nodded in approval of her answer. "Thanks for clearing that up, Jess." Jessica gave one of her ice-cold glares at David. After a moment he added, "...ica."

Episode 4: Suckups Anonymous Red Team: Tyler and Red stood on top of the roof of Red Base, looking for Gina. "Any idea where she is?" Red asked. "Nope," Tyler replied. "And frankly, I'd rather not know. She's a total bizatch." Red stared at Tyler. "Next time you wanna call someone a *****, refrain from using the word bizatch." Tyler stared back at Red. "What? Isn't bizatch a cool word?" "Not really," replied Red. "It's gonna get you nowhere with the ladies. And trust me, I know what the ladies like." Tyler laughed hysterically at this, but managed to pass it off as a cough. "Well," Red told him. "You better go find Gina." "Don't you mean we better go find Gina?" Tyler asked. "Nope," Red told him. "I've got important business to take care of, and it's strictly classified uhhh...stuff...that I'll be doing." Tyler knew that there was no "classified stuff" that Red had to take care of. Nevertheless, he knew it was better not to argue. He went off in search of his unruly comrade. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Silver Team: After Big Ern had finished smacking Manny with his pistol, he turned to find that Nick was hurrying towards Blue Base. "Dirtbag!" Big Ern yelled. "Where are you going?!" "Away from the rocket!" came the distant response. Manny turned to where Nick was pointing. "Son of a bizatch!" he yelled as the rocket collided with the cliffs behind him and Big Ern. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Blue/Green Team: Sam and Fred dove to either side as Jessica and David fired their assault rifles at them. They fired back, forcing the two enemy soldiers to take cover in the ramp area. When Jessica and David went back up the ramp, all they saw was one of the Blues going through the teleporter. They (well, Jessica did) put two-and-two together, and figured they had both gone through the teleporter. "Come on," Jessica told David. "They're both gone to somewhere else. We've gotta make sure Dan's okay." She realised with reluctance that she really did hope Dan was okay. They walked into the lobby, where Dan stood over the dead body of a Blue soldier. "Well," Dan said. "I know that us Greens are fairly new to this war, but we're kickin *** so far." Jessica couldn't help but smile, something which was hidden under her helmet. "I bet that Blue Command won't be too happy about this," she said, analyzing the body. "This guy was an officer." She keyed a COMM channel with Green Command. "Hello? This is Leiutenant Jessica Moss of the team on Blood Gulch. Does anyone read me?" "Like a book," came the reply. "Whatcha got to report ma'am?" "We've taken control of Blood Gulch Outpost Alpha. We are requesting immediate reinforcements to help us take over the rest of the canyon." "Oh umm...well, we can't really do that." responded the Communications Officer at Green Command. "We're currently deploying most of our troops to help with the battle against the Blues and Silvers." "What about the Reds?" asked Jessica. "Well, ummmm..." Jessica waited for something more to be said. But after a few seconds she heard the click of the COMM channel being snapped off. "Dammit," she muttered. She turned to Dan and David, who'd been listening to the whole conversation. "Get your ***es up top," she ordered. "We gotta make sure that Silver doesn't get outta here alive." --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Episode 5: The Truth Blue Base, now known as Green Base, even though it's still Blue Jessica sighed as Dan asked her when she had been made a Leiutenant. "I've been a Lieutenant ever since I was transferred here." "Where you were transferred from?" David asked. "None of your business, now let's go look for the Silver that escaped." Jessica replied. The three Greens went up the ramp and looked all around their surroundings. There was not a Silver in sight except for the dead one. "Wait a tick!" David exclaimed. "Weren't there s'possed to be two dead guys?" Jessica and Dan ran to his side. "Son-of-a-bizatch." Dan said. "Dan, get back in the base." Jessica ordered. "If anything comes up, radio me on the uhhh...what's it called again?" "Radio," Dan finished for her, and jumped back in the base through the hole in the roof. "Why is there a hole in the roof?" pondered David. "Why do I always make the stupid choice of bringing you with me on the important missions?" Jessica said rhetorically. "Come on, let's go find them Silvers." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Cluster of Rocks: "Yo, Red." Tyler said over the radio. "Do you read me? Repeat, do you read me?" "Do you read me?" came a voice with a southern accent. "What are you talking about?" Tyler asked him. "You told me to repeat the words do you read me, so I did." came the response. "Wow," Tyler said, astonished at his own sarge's stupidity. "Look, I have no ****ing clue where Gina is." "There you go with that language again!" yelled Red over the radio. "I knew it wasn't Gina who was doing all that cursing!" "Look Red, the important thing is that Gina's gone. And that we, unfortunately, have to find out where she is. And then we'll, unfortuntely, have to rescue her from whatever team has captured you." "You're always so negative," accused Red. "Yeah, I know. Trust me, I know." Tyler confessed. "So...how should we go about trying to save Gina?" He waited for a response, but all he heard was an unusually thump...and then there was static. "What an unusually loud thump," he wondered aloud. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Green Base: Dan cued the radio. "Jessica? Are you there?" he asked sheepishly. "Yeah, I'm here," came the irritated response. "What do ya want?" "Well, ummm..." began Dan. "Apparently, that Blue officer came back to life and left." Silence reigned over the radio for a few seconds. "I'm gonna frickin kill you when we get back to base," Jessica said. "So if I were you, I'd get outta town as soon as I could." The radio clicked off. Dan paced the lobby of the base for a few seconds, then left. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Episode 6: Red Versus Blues Red Base, Twenty Minutes After Battle at Blue Base, Now Known as Green Base Tyler looked skeptically at Nick. "You're saying that the Green Team took over the Blue Base?" Nick replied, "Yeah pretty much." "But that's impossible, the Greens have all-" Whatever Tyler had been going to say was interrupted by the arrival of another Silver soldier. "Sure took me long enough to find you," the Silver said. "This is a nice base you got here." Nick just stared at the new arrival. "Manny, you're alive." Manny looked down at his body. "NO FLIPPING WAY, MAN!" he yelled sarcastically. "That's a shocker." Nick just said, "Well yeah, it kinda is. I thought you and Big Ern were dead." "Heeeellz no, man." Manny said calmly. "Gonna take more than a rocket to kill this here Silver. Big Ern died though, but I personally ain't to broken up about it." Tyler interjected by pointing his pistol in Manny's face. "Who the **** is this guy?!" Manny lifted and pointed his own pistol at Tyler. "I'm the guy who's the biggest thing since chip and dip...you wouldn't wanna harm the biggest thing since chip and dip, would you?" Nick came between them. "Hold on, Manny. Tyler here agreed to help us defeat the Greens." Tyler retorted. "I didn't agree to ****! You just walked up to me and started givin' me some sad sob story. And after hearing it, I feel like you should both die!" Nick whined. "But I thought you said you'd help us fight the Greens!" Tyler yelled. "For the last time man, the Greens are all-" Next thing Tyler knew, he was screaming in pain after being hit in the head by Manny's pistol. He backed through the teleporter and vanished with a whooshing sound. Nick and Manny looked at each other. "Should we go after him?" Nick finally asked. "Nope." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Green Base Dan looked, saw one of the Silver's dead bodies and gave a sigh of relief. At least one of them was still dead, that might earn him a slight reprieve from Jessica's wrath if they ever crossed paths again. However, Dan had no intention of doing that. He headed north towards the cluster of rocks where they had all last been slightly at peace in the war. He stood upon the highest rock where he could have the best signal and called Green Command on the radio. "What do you want?!" came an angry voice over the radio. "Well ummm....I just wanted to request transport to Green Command and request a transfer to a seperate base." "Reason for transfer?" spat the voice. "I uhhh...I don't like my teammates." "Well isn't that so sad?" the voice said mockingly, and the radio clicked off. Dan decided that if he was going to survive out in the middle of the canyon, he'd have to do two important things. First, avoid contact with Jessica, and perhaps David as well. Second, stay out of the shining sun that beamed down on Blood Gulch 24 hours a day. He jumped off the rock, and went into the shade.

Episode 7: B's, Be's, and Bee's New Silver Base Nick and Manny stood on the roof of their new base, proud of all the work they had done to get it...which was like nothing. But their pride was to be short-lived. For up the ramp came two Greens. David: "'Sup, b**ches!" Jessica: "I think it's time for the Greens to fully conquer this sh*tty excuse of a planet." Nick: "Look, we were just leaving." Manny: "Yeah ummm...we were gonna go out, buy a couple boolks or something." Nick: "Dude, did you just say bulks? It's pronounced books, you retard!" Manny: "Boolks! That's what I said! You're the idiot who can't pronounce anything!" While David enjoyed their banter, cheering them both on every few seconds, Jessica was receiving a message from Green Command. GreenComm: "Soooo...whaddup?" Jessica: *silence* GreenComm: "Guess you're still upset about my attitude last time. Look, about that, I was just thinking...maybe you should just come chill with us at Green Command. A Lieutenant of your high standing should be very useful for our purposes." Jessica: "Purposes?" GreenComm: "Yeah ummm...it'll all be explained when you get here. Oh, and bring anybody who you got with you here too. They won't be worth as much as you, but it'll do." Jessica: "Fine. Oi, David! We're moving out!" David: "Awww...do we have to leave? This is better than those football seats I got one time! There ended up being this huge guy with paint all over his face, and he peed all over me for rooting for the other team. It was in the line for hot dogs...I like hot dogs." Jessica: "DAVID!" David: "Oh, right. Bye mean people! You were really nice to me!" And with that, Green Team's iron fist of terror over Blood Gulch ended, leaving just a couple of arguing idiots...and a certain Green soldier named Dan.

Episode 8: Roommates Silver Team: Nick and Manny were bored out of their minds. Nick: "Dude, your insults sucked." Manny: "No they didn't!" Nick: "Same with your comebacks, those kinda suck too." Manny: "No they don't!" Nick: "Take right now for instance, you could be saying something like, Well that must be cuz your mother taught me them in bed last night! But instead, you just sit there and say no to all the bad things I say. That's friggin amateur, Manny. No, I take that back, it's BELOW AMATEUR." Manny: "...That must be cuz your mother taught me them in bed last night." Nick: "Dude, be quiet. You've already dug yourself a hole you can't get out of, and now you think that buying a shovel is gonna help." Manny: "...That's cuz I bought it from your mother." Nick: "Dude, SHUT UP." Farther along the canyon, at the Green Base, Jessica and David were leaving the depressing canyon in a Pelican.

Episode 9: The Sixth Sin Silver Team Nick and Manny were just standing on top of the roof of their new base, doing nothing, as usual...when a soldier wielding a pistol smacked Nick in the back of the head. Nick: "OWWWW!" Big Ern: "That's what ya get for leaving me out there by myself!" Manny: "Big Ern?" Big Ern: "You too!" Big Ern smacked Manny in the back of the head. Manny: "How are you alive?" Big Ern: "It's called respawn ya idiot." Nick: "Respawn?" Big Ern: "Oh I pity thee in thee unknowledge of thee fates." Manny: "What does that mean?" Big Ern: "To be honest, I don't know. But don't tell Nick." Nick: "I'm right here, I just heard everything you said." Big Ern whispers to Manny: "Hehe, he thinks he can fool us. But he's bluffing, he just wants us to think he actually knows what I said." Nick: "Fine, I have no clue what you said." Big Ern: "HA! I knew you didn't know about me not knowing the meaning of what I said!" Nick: "Hey uhh...I heard some guy dying in the Blue Base before I-" Big Ern: "-Ran away like a coward." Nick: "Yeah...so is he still alive too then?" Big Ern: "Nope, some Green guy ate the body, so I don't think there's any way he's getting out of that one..." Manny: "I don't think I can give that comment a dignified response." Nick: "Then shut up!" Manny: "...Your mom told me to shut up."

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